Beware: This Post is ALL OVER THE PLACE!!

Greetings to my faithful readers who continue to check this blog on a daily basis, even when I don’t post anything on it for 3 weeks!  Yikes!  There are several reasons I haven’t been updating; mainly because there hasn’t been much to report, BUT I know you’d rather read an actual post about nothing than check back here to find no new posts at all!

Despite my previous statement, there have been several note-worthy things that have happened in the past few weeks:

#1: I had another MRI done on March 4^th showing the same results as the previous one (No cancer cells detected)

#2: I visited doctors at Temple’s Jeanes Hospital in Philadelphia for a second opinion on my treatments as well as to get information about another possible treatment they give to CNS Lymphoma patients there.  Note: I am not a candidate for their bone marrow transplant treatment as this time because there are no cells for them to kill!  Ask me more about this visit the next time you see me in person because it is a long and complicated story to tell.  I didn’t want to post about it on here since I will NOT need this treatment and didn’t want to confuse anyone by writing about it.

#3: I had my 6^th and (hopefully) final chemotherapy treatment at St. Luke’s. Here's a pic of me saying hello from my hospital bed:

After reading the third bullet point above, you may be thinking something along the lines of, “WOW!  She’s done!  Why wouldn’t she post all about her last round of chemo and be excited to be done?!” While I would have liked to have posted about that after coming home from my hospital stay this past Friday, I have never officially gotten the word from my oncologist that I am done with treatment.  He has definitely mentioned it in the past when we planned to do 6 rounds of chemo, but since I like to take things one step at a time, we haven’t actually sat down to discuss what would happen after these 6 rounds were complete.  This has been VERY frustrating for me because I just want to be able to make plans!  But alas, since I haven’t seen or talked to my doctor since March 4^th, we have not come up with a plan of action that I can report to you all.

*And for anyone wondering why I haven’t seen my doctor in so long, it’s because I met with the Temple doctors instead of him the week of the 6^th AND he’s been on vacation – must be nice, huh?

So with that being said, I FINALLY find out what the next step in this journey will be TODAY Thursday, March 24^th.  Hopefully after today I will know if I am actually done with my treatments, what the plan is for monitoring my status and if/when I can return to my “normal” life.  Stay tuned…

In the meantime, I wanted to end this post with a blog entry that I’ve been “sitting on” since the first week of March.  I never posted it because at the time it was written, I was pretty frustrated with the world in general and didn't know if I should post it.  I was depressed about my situation and was mad at everybody even though I had no real reason to be.  Please keep that all in mind while reading the following “angry” post:

Written on 3/5/11, entitled "Complainers": 

“I have to admit, ever since hearing that my chemotherapy treatments have been working, I have had the opposite mentality about my cancer than you would expect.  Rather than being happy about the recent positive outcomes, I think I have reverted back to my more realistic attitude towards life (which can sometimes have a more negative impact on my state of mind and attitude).  While I think I have a legitimate reason to not get myself too excited about a positive thing, (why should I when so many things have gone incredibly “wrong” for me in the past few months), I can’t help but think that I should probably be a little bit more grateful for things.  But alas, as mentioned previously, I have felt more unsettled and “stuck” over the past few weeks than I have throughout this entire experience thus far.  This mostly boils down to the fact that I want to be able to think ahead to the potential life-changing events that are to be taking place in the next few months for me, but I can’t let myself look forward and starting planning for these things because I keep thinking about the “what-ifs”. For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, let me explain further… Basically what I am able to accomplish over the next few months with school, will determine if I will be able to have the life I’ve worked very hard for over the past 5 years. That life goal includes graduating with my Master’s degree in speech-language pathology and moving away from home to start my own independent life.  For this to happen according to plan, I would need to start my 2 internship placements in the next month and finish them by graduation in August, get all my schoolwork done and handed in to ensure that I actually graduate, and to find an enjoyable fellowship placement for post-graduation.

I feel like my hands are tied because I don’t really know what will happen in the next few weeks, and therefore I have been experiencing very little motivation to do anything because I keep asking myself, “Does it all even matter or are my plans going to be dashed in a instant when I find out that my chemo treatments aren’t working afterall?” Another uncertainty is whether or not I may potentially be recommended to start additional different treatments, (radiation or something else) after my 6th week of chemo treatment is complete.  And above all that, my greatest fear is will I start to go forward only to receive the dreaded news in a month or two that my cancer has returned and I need to start a whole new treatment cycle?  Do you see now where my frustrations are coming from?

The original intention of this post, believe it or not, was to talk about and point out all of the “complainers” I’ve been noticing as of late.  I know it’s silly, but what has been bothering me the most are the people who constantly leave negative comments about their lives or “how hard their day has been” in their status updates on Facebook.  And again, I realize that it is silly to take the comments posted on this social media outlet that my generation uses to express themselves too seriously, but it still really makes me mad! (By the way, isn’t it ironic that this post ended up being one big complaint from ME even though I intended to condemn my peers?) Anyway, I can’t finish this post without making the following argument:

If you have your health, don’t complain about your life.  If you are unsatisfied with your job or a relationship, DO SOMETHING about it because frankly, YOU CAN!  You have nothing truly concrete stopping you from making a change and moving forward to something better.  Take it from me: you don’t know how lucky you are to be able to freely move forward.  So, just don’t complain! Or at least don’t complain to me or to any other person diagnosed with an unpredictable disease about the trite matters in life… Ok, I’m finished ranting!  The End.”

Again, as you can tell, I was angry at the world a few weeks ago, which I guess was to be expected at some point.  Luckily, my attitude has been more positive recently.  Check back here soon for news from my doctors appointment today!